When I began this blog a year ago, I knew it would not be an easy thing to do. I love writing and sharing God's love and truth with women, but I knew that God wanted me to go deeper than I was comfortable. I am a private person, whose heart sometimes remains guarded even from those who love me. I don't like to be exposed, to be vulnerable and yet that continues to be what God calls me to. Life isn't always pretty and the lessons we learn often involve us seeing ourselves in light of our imperfections. But when we emerge from those experiences, we have the joy of bearing a little more of the image of Christ.
Today I have decided to share an experience that happened some time ago, but allowed me to be drawn closer to the heart of God.
Some time ago, I was in the store with a friend. We were on opposite sides of a display looking at books. I saw someone reach across the display to get my attention. I was pleased to look up and see someone that I used to have weekly contact with. She was just an acquaintance, but the smile she offered me made me feel so welcomed. No sooner had she smiled at me than she recognized my friend who was standing across from me, but next to her. In less than 20 seconds, she had forgotten that I existed and the two of them were engaged in a very animated conversation.
Now initially, my feelings were hurt. I stood there in stunned silence. Everything in me wanted to retreat to a little corner and allow the tear dam which was threatening to burst, do just that. Now perhaps that sounds a bit drastic to you, but rejection causes me to withdraw to a place within myself where logical thinking does not exist. I remained there and watched the two of them engage in conversation for what seemed like an hour, but was certainly not more than two or three minutes. Not once did the individual even glance up at me, acknowledge that I was there or apologize for forgetting about me. I wanted to scream out, “Hello, I am still here. Remember me? The one you were talking to?” Of course I didn’t; I just remained still in disbelief. I thought it was childish of me, and decided that I would not share any of that experience.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of the story. I thought about that ordeal all night and into the next day. I asked God why on earth this was something that bothered me so greatly. Why couldn’t I just get over it? Was it my pride? Was it jealousy? Or was it once again that issue of not fitting in?
Later, as I was standing over my kitchen stove, I felt a gentle whisper in my heart causing my breath to catch. The question was very clear—how many times had I done the very same thing to God? How many times did I allow others, or other distractions to take my attention away from Him? How many times did I begin with my full attention and focus on him only to be pulled away by someone or something? How many times had I rejected Him? My heart was grieved as I considered how I had hurt the One I love so dearly. I could just see Him standing there waiting for me to return my attention to Him, longing for the time together that we were beginning to have only to have me turn my focus elsewhere.
My heart ached, the tears fell, and all I wanted to do was to spend time with Him. I am thankful that Christ is always there with open arms and even when I turn my attention away from Him, He remains attentive to me. And when I cry to Him……He answers.
The sharing of today's "unveiling" post was prompted by a scholarship opportunity provided by Ann Voskamp to attend the She Speaks Conference in July, sponsored by Proverbs 31 ministries. The Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father. It is my desire to attend that conference this year as a way to help fulfill my heart's desire to serve God and serve you, His daughters, as he so directs my steps.
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